Why you should be scared of me

I am Batman. Fear me.

A mean person on Twitter this week told me I wasn’t scary. I absolutely am scary and here are the reasons why.

Twitter this week was out to smash my dreams.

First, a mean person told me I wasn’t Batman. Fortunately this was followed by a collection of lovely people telling me that if I wanted to be Batman then I could be Batman.

Then another mean person told me I wasn’t scary.

And don’t tell me Jimmie said I’m scary to people I don’t like. That doesn’t mean anything because I like everyone, even people who are donkey-butts.

On top of the “not Batman” thing, this was a lot to take.

Today I’m going to set the record straight. You absolutely should be scared of me, and here’s why.

I will set my cat on you

My cat, His Royal Fluffiness, is 300 pounds of muscle, teeth, and claws. (At least, he thinks he is.)

He bites and scratches my arms and ankles, and once he tried to eat my whole head.

And he likes me.

Imagine what he’ll do to you.

I will beta your writing ruthlessly

No matter how much I like you, if your writing explains everything, shows it, and then interprets what you showed I will give it to you straight.

I will judge your awkward constructions, overuse of adverbs and adjectives, passive voice, telling, point of view slips, incorrectly punctuated speech, and comma splices.

(But I’ll do it non-judgmentally and I’m really helpful, so do get in touch if you want me to beta read for you.)

I am five foot three and a half

See that divider beside your cubicle? I could be standing behind it and you’d never know until it was too late.

Go on, you know you want to check.

And if you chase me I can run straight under low branches that are going to brain you. I suggest a helmet.

I can ruin your reputation

At least three people sort of like me, and if I ask nicely they will probably say slightly rude things about you.

Silently.

To their cats.

I’m very good with duct tape

I can tape up the hole in my trousers, tape my hair to my arm, and tape your wrists together behind your back.

I’ll just have to ask you to sit still for a while with your hands together, because duct tape likes to stick to itself and once it folds you can never get it unstuck.

I have chickens

They will run in front of you and trip you and throw themselves under your car. They will camp on your front doorstep and bash themselves against the door.

And on your front doorstep, they will poop.

At least, they do on mine.

I once pushed over the school bully

I had to. He was picking on my boyfriend.

I could bury you under a mountain of books on writing

I’ve read (almost) all of them, and I even remember a few things they said.

As you lie crushed beneath my books, you will remember that no one can hear you scream.

(Though I’ll probably have to rescue you to ask your opinion on a few of the more confusing points the books make.)

I have obliterated more gorse bushes than you have children
gorse
This is gorse. The picture doesn’t do justice to the humongous spikes.

And yes, that heading was deliberately ambiguous.

I use a lot of bad language

Didn’t you see me say “donkey-butts” before? Anyone who says “donkey-butts” is a seriously scary person.

I hold grudges forever

Don’t get on my bad side, because I don’t forgive and I don’t forget.

I still haven’t forgiven my husband for dropping the cat in my pasta in 2002. Don’t think I’m going to forgive you before we fix global warming.

I carry a knife

And a lot of other terrifying weapons, assuming I haven’t been on a plane recently.

Though note this makes me a useful friend if you tend to get lost in the bush on your way home from work.

I have a scary hat

If this wasn’t the first thing you noticed about me, you’re not paying attention.

A.S. AkkalonSee? Scary.

I’m sure these convincing arguments have shown you the error of not being terrified of me. Thank you for your attention.

Be the first one to know when I finally publish my book. And stay entertained by reading my blog posts in the meantime.

Author: A.S. Akkalon

By day, A.S. Akkalon works in an office where the computers outnumber the suits of armour more than two-to-one. By night, she puts dreams of medieval castles, swords, and dragons onto paper.

28 thoughts on “Why you should be scared of me”

  1. You should know that I hold you personally responsible for the night terrors I’ve been experiencing recently. You are by far the scariest person I follow on Twitter. It’s a little ways off, but if I can find your hat online somewhere, I might order it and dress up as you for Halloween.

    All this and I can’t believe you didn’t mention you have a dragon! I suppose chickens are a close second. In theory they were ferocious dinosaurs millions of years ago, right?

    1. Responsibility accepted. 🙂

      My dragon is shy. He prefers to appear suddenly and eat people, so he asked me not to mention him. Though you’re right, the chickens consider themselves dinosaurs.

  3. I would never offend his royal fluffiness. It’s in the car owners’ code of honors that must be on your shelves ready to attack. Between the hat and the chickens, I don’t think I would make it to the shelves though.

  5. I am utterly and completely terrified. I have now changed my address, and begun construction of a reinforced bomb shelter. Also recruiting an army of attack squirrels, so you just stay back. Back, I tell you!

    1. That is the appropriate response. But I’m bringing corn for your squirrels. I wouldn’t mind having my own army of attack squirrels.

  6. Yeah, you’re the absolute meanest. Coming over on my blog and posting thoughtful comments so I feel obligated to reply. I mean, I don’t really *feel* obligated. I want to. I just don’t always get around to it right away.

    Plus, I’ve yet to confirm that you haven’t hidden an evil “mwahaha!” somewhere in your comments. One day.

  7. I’m 5 foot three exactly. Which means I’m half an inch scarier. Also, I can read minds over the internet. So, don’t think there’s anywhere you can have. I have patience for days. I’ll wait for His Royal Fluffiness to walk by. I’ll wait under the gorse bush. And that’s the real reason I’m scarier. I’ll kidnap His Royal Fluffiness, and it’ll cost you a five hundred year old antique key to get him back. ^_^

  8. I’ll say mean things about anybody. Just give me the nod.

    I have to take issue with this though: “I use a lot of bad language”. You fucking don’t.

      1. Ah, but you’re going to hit your head on low branches that I’ll run straight under. Not so scary once you’ve knocked yourself out!

    2. Knew I could count on you!

      I do too use a lot of bad language. Didn’t you see the “donkey-butt” – like, three times in one post.

  9. Never listen to anyone who says you can’t be Batman.

    I was very scared when you beta read for me, but I recovered rather well when you weren’t mean at all, and didn’t even return the MS with notes containing excessive exclamation points and multiple question marks. Which I’m completely okay with, just so we’re clear. So I’m not sure you’re really that scary – after all, I have a black cat, which makes her officially evil (and me by extension. Cackle.).

    1. I don’t any more. I know I’m Batman.

      And His Royal Fluffiness is black too plus he has long hair, which makes him more evil than Layla. So ha!

    1. Rahwr!

      Thank you so much for the nomination! I’m thrilled you enjoy my blog. You ask hard questions, but I’ll see what I can do about coming up with answers. 🙂

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