On Twitter recently, I saw a link to a hilarious-sounding article, How and why to date a dinosaur. Being married, I’m no longer on the dating scene, but I imagine there are some very good reasons to date a dinosaur. As for advice on how to date a dinosaur, who doesn’t need dating help?
So you can imagine my disappointment when I clicked the link and discovered the article was actually about how to tell how long ago a dinosaur carked it. (Also an interesting subject, but quite different.)
To remedy the dearth of information on romantic relationships with dinosaurs, I resolved to write this post. (Unfortunately my success with dinosaurs has been limited, so I’ll stick to the why and leave the how to others.)
Why to date a dinosaur
1. Why to date a Majungasaurus
(Apart from the fact it has a cool name.)
According to the internet, Majungasaurus is as long as two cars, weighs the same as a rhinoceros, walks on two legs, and may indulge in cannibalism.
You might think that doesn’t sound like a great date, but don’t be so quick to judge. If he’s the length of two cars, he’ll fit neatly into two parking spaces. None of these filling-one-and-a-half-spots things that drives everyone nuts.
If he weighs as much as a rhino I’ll wager he’s pretty strong, and the walking on two legs thing leaves his hands free. Bottom line, he’ll be able to carry a great deal of shopping for you.
You might be wondering why cannibalism would make Majungasaurus a good date. Well, it guarantees he doesn’t have any clingy ex-girlfriends calling him at all hours of the night and trying to get back with him.
2. Why to date a Sauroposeidon
Sauroposeidon weighs as much as ten elephants and is as tall as a six storey building.
My ears immediately perk up. So every time I’m on the sixth floor of a building, the lift breaks and the stairwell is inexplicably filled with ravenous zombies (the sprinting kind, not the lumbering kind), this guy can reach up from the street and pluck me through a window to safety. What a gentleman!
3. Why to date a Deinocheirus
Deinocheirus is as heavy as an African elephant, may climb trees like a sloth, and has 10 inch claws on eight foot long arms.
Okay, I’m a little stuck on the idea of something as large as an elephant climbing trees. You wouldn’t want to walk underneath that.
Ten inch claws offer so many possibilities. They could give the best back scratch ever, carve romantic graffiti onto any wall, or dig holes to plant rose bushes as a symbol of your shared love. What more could you ask from a boyfriend?
4. Why to date a Dilong
Dilong is as long as a human is tall, so the height thing would never be a problem in your relationship.
He can run as fast as a road runner and may be warm-blooded. There are so many times those would come in handy. You get to work and realise you’ve left your cellphone at home. Honey, would you mind just nipping back and grabbing it for me? Two seconds later, he returns with your cellphone. You’re in the middle of baking a cake and discover you’re out of icing sugar. Could you please run down to the shop and pick me some up? You’d never need to be organised again.
And being warm-blooded would make Dilong a great foot-warmer on those icy winter nights.
5. Why to date a Torvosaurus
Torvosaurus is definitely a carnivore. That means he’ll never be judgmental when you want to eat a steak rather than a salad. In fact, you might have to eat quickly to get it down before he swipes it.
He can also run as fast as a turkey. I’m not sure how fast that is. I’d like to think I could outrun a turkey, but some of these creepy birds run really fast. Google tells me a wild turkey can run at 25 miles an hour. That sounds fast. Maybe I can’t outrun a turkey.
So if Torvosaurus does swipe your steak you might not be able to catch him to get it back. Just something to keep in mind.
I hope I’ve filled in the gaps and you can now make a well-informed decision on whether to date a dinosaur. If you decide to go ahead and date one, do let me know if you come across any wisdom on how to convince him to date you.
And if you need more randomness and bad advice in your life, you can get my friendly monthly reminder to come back here and read the posts you’ve missed.