Unhelpful explanations of things you didn’t need explained

falcon face

Read on for entirely unhelpful explanations of computers, windows, and cars. Because I’m here to make your life better.

Yesterday on Twitter, someone asked me to explain coffee. Okay, they probably weren’t asking me in particular, but I was there and I took it as a personal challenge.

I happen to know a thing or two about coffee, having had a long, slow-burning romance with it.

Did I succeed in explaining it?

I assume so. The person asking hasn’t been seen since.

I had so much fun explaining coffee that I’ve decided to explain some other things for your delight and edification. Enjoy.

Computers

A computer is a storage device for your brilliant fiction. It can also be used to access the realm of Twitter. Computers come in different shapes and sizes, but they all have some features in common.

  • Input mechanism: This uses motion to convert brainwaves into stored scenes via movement of the fingers. Toes can alternatively be used, but most people find this slower and get more complaints from their spouses, children, or colleagues when they pull off their socks and start typing with their toes.
  • Output mechanism: The primary output mechanism is visual in nature, and consists of beaming light in the shape of words at the human eye. Historically, computers also output their stored fiction as blots of ink onto hundreds of pieces of paper which inevitably got crumpled and coffee-stained, dropped, and ended up out of order. Fortunately this practice has largely been discontinued.
  • Speech: Modern computers are capable of speech in much the same way most humans are capable of speech. However, they primarily use this ability to swear in their own language, which sounds like an angry beep, when their user tells them to perform an act that goes against their religion. Like save an important file moments before it is lost forever.
Lavender fields under the stars
Computers store your brilliant fiction, which this is not. But it is pretty.

Windows

Windows are clear viewing portals set into the walls of houses that interfere with the inhabitants’ ability to control the internal temperature.

They serve numerous functions that include simultaneously keeping things in, keeping other things out, and letting things through. It should be noted that nearly all these functions are better filled by walls.

Windows keep in heat, though not well, and the sounds of domestic disputes or other noisy activities that you’d rather your neighbours didn’t hear.

They keep out rain, snow, other varieties of precipitation, bees, the neighbour’s cats, that escaped turkey that turned up on our driveway on Thanksgiving, wind, and the slower type of zombie. They do not keep out fast zombies, velociraptors, or flying sharks, all of which are capable of smashing through them and eating anyone inside the house.

They let through light, and with it heat. This has the double function of illuminating the inside of the house so you bang your shins on the coffee table less often, and allowing you to see what’s happening in the outside world without having to interact with it. The latter feature is highly appreciated by most writers.

Blissful cat in the sun
The warm spots of sunny carpet that result from letting light in are favoured by cats.

Cars

Cars are improved versions of horses used widely for long distance transport. Also for going to the shops just around the block.

The improvements are so numerous that I will just give you a taste rather than attempting to be comprehensive.

  • They have improved rain protection so you can travel in inclement weather without arriving at your destination drenched or frozen. Some of the fancier models forego this improvement in favour of providing the thrill of having to drive wearing glasses and holding on to your hat.
  • The trot has been eliminated. It was far too uncomfortable and no one liked it anyway.
  • Instead of being solid, the waste is ejected in aerosolised form, so instead of being a hazard solely to the person coming down the road behind you it is now a problem for the whole world.
  • Size has been increased to accommodate two and sometimes even four passengers. This increases efficiency because arguments and map reading (or arguments about map reading) can occur en route rather than waiting for the destination (or on the side of a dark road in chainsaw killer country).
  • Side protection in the form of walls and windows has been added for protection against zombies.
  • A compartment specially for storing gloves has been added, as has the necessity of carrying a fire extinguisher.
  • A swear button has been added. In many countries this is cars’ most popular feature.
The fancier type of car that requires hat-holding.

I hope this post hasn’t increased your understanding of the world around you, because if it had I would be worried.

Have I missed any vital features of these objects? The people need to know.

Don’t risk missing out on more life-changing wisdom.

Author: A.S. Akkalon

By day, A.S. Akkalon works in an office where the computers outnumber the suits of armour more than two-to-one. By night, she puts dreams of medieval castles, swords, and dragons onto paper.

6 thoughts on “Unhelpful explanations of things you didn’t need explained”

  1. Thank you for these most illuminating explanations. I have increased appreciation for computers, cars, and windows, not to mention walls, despite my continuing concern about fast zombies. But the smiles you have given me are sure to make me lighter on my feet, thus increasing my odds of survival.

    1. I’ve always heard the South was more cultured than the North. So it’s true for the cars as well! Thank you for furthering my education.

      I totally agree on the soundproofing. At one point I lived right above a family with a four-year-old who was learning to play the trumpet. To give the kid credit, he was very enthusiastic.

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