Introducing my three feline overlords

I have three cats and they’re all here to say hi. The photo isn’t them.

Three cats sniffing a blade of grass.

I promised I’d introduce my three new cats, but today I’m going to do better. I’ve brought them along to introduce themselves. They’ve been with me about a year, and not one has finished the first draft of their novel yet, but I’m sure they have plenty of other things to tell you about.

Alecia: So here with me today I have Little Squeak, Runs from Jeans, and Princess Persephone Fluffybum. Why don’t you guys start by introducing yourselves?

Little Squeak: Where’s the catnip? You said there’d be catnip.

Alecia: You ate the catnip. Can introduce yourself anyway?

Little Squeak: I’d rather bite Runs from Jeans.

Little Squeak straddles Runs from Jeans and munches on his ear.

Alecia: That was Little Squeak. He’s a green-eyed, short-haired tabby with the most ridiculous meow you ever heard–

Little Squeak: There’s nothing wrong with my meow.

Alecia: Can you say that again?

Little Squeak: Mep.

Alecia: You’re right, nothing wrong at all. And here’s a picture. It’s not Little Squeak, but it could be–except he’d probably be eating the chess piece, not sniffing it.

Tabby cat sniffing pieces on a chess board. It could be Little Squeak, but it's not.
This is the cat who would play Little Squeak if a movie were made about his life… and he played chess.

Alecia: And this is Runs from Jeans. He’s Little Squeak’s brother. He’s another short-haired tabby, but he has orange eyes and ginger in his coat. Can you tell the audience why you’re called Runs from Jeans?

Runs from Jeans: Did you say “jeans”?

Runs from Jeans dashes about the room meowing and finally squeezes under the couch.

Alecia: Sorry, he’s not coming back any time soon. While he’s under there, I can tell you he’s also scared of cat treats, hats with eyes on them, buckets of water…

Runs from Jeans, from under the couch: There’s nothing silly about being scared of buckets of water.

Alecia: You didn’t have to run under it.

Runs from Jeans: You didn’t have to throw it on me.

Alecia, aside: It was an accident, I swear. I’d put more water for the wipers in the car and I had some water left over. I went to throw it on the garden just as Runs From Jeans ran underneath.

Runs from Jeans: I’m never forgiving you for that.

Alecia: Yes, you are.

Alecia gives Runs from Jeans catnip. He comes out from under the couch to eat it and totally forgives her. Then Little Squeak smells the catnip and chomps Runs from Jeans’s throat. Nicely, of course.

A cute cat rolling on its back and showing its white tummy.
This cat would play Runs from Jeans in a movie if the producer didn’t care about getting his colour or sex right.

Princess Persephone Fluffybum: Ahem. I’m Princess Persephone Fluffybum. You can call me Princess, because I’m a princess.

Alecia: What does it mean to be a princess?

Princess: A princess never eats the cheap cat food or the stuff that smells like raw meat. She sleeps exactly where she pleases and enjoys pats, but only on her terms.

Alecia: You mean you’re a cat.

Princess: Now you’ve lost stroking privileges.

A long-haired cat draped over a chair, possibly.
This cat could be Princess if it were black and white and had the most adorable pink nose.

Alecia: Thanks for those introductions. They were very unhelpful. Why don’t you tell me where you like to sleep?

Little Squeak: The back of the couch! And on the fluffy thing on the couch.

Alecia: You mean my Oodie?

Little Squeak: It’s mine now. You can tell because it smells like my spit.

Alecia: That’s because you dribble.

Runs from Jeans: I sleep in my bed by the fire, but when I get too hot I don’t fit and I fall out. Sometimes I sleep on the fluffy thing that smells like Little Squeak’s spit, and if he’s there first I sleep on top of him.

Little Squeak: Oh, that’s why I sometimes wake up with bum in my face.

Princess: I sleep on my chair beside my desk.

Alecia: You mean my chair beside my writing desk?

Princess: If you wanted it you should have sat on it first. I also sleep on my end of the couch.

Alecia: So, in hubby’s seat.

Princess: It’s only his until he gets up.

Alecia: That was very helpful, thank you. Now why don’t you all tell me what your greatest accomplishments have been?

Little Squeak: I caught three rats and a rabbit.*

* Alecia’s aside: Rats and rabbits are both pests around here, so I don’t feel too bad. Just a little bit bad because they’re cute and the rabbit might have been related to Nicholas Augustus.

Alecia: I know. You let two live rats go in the house and left a dead one in the library.

Little Squeak: Don’t forget the rabbit. Did you see what I did with the head?

Alecia: This is a friendly, G-rated blog. The audience doesn’t want to hear about that.

Little Squeak: But then I got hungry so I ate the head too.

Princess: I ate lots of bugs and a butterfly.

Alecia: You ate wetas, and left wetas on the living room floor–under the rug.

Princess: I was saving them for later.

Crayfish in tank. They have way too many legs and feelers.
If you don’t know what a weta is, it what a crayfish would be if a crayfish were an insect. I understand they bite. You don’t want them under your rug.

Runs From Jeans: Once I ate catnip from right in front of Princess.

Alecia: I saw. She whopped you on the head really hard.

Runs from Jeans: Still worth it.

Alecia: And those were my feline overlords. They would stay and talk longer, but they have important sleeping by the fire to do. Except for Princess. Princesses never sleep near nasty things like fires.

Who are your overlords, feline, canine, ovine, vulpine, or otherwise? I’d love to hear about their greatest accomplishments.

Follow my blog. It’s better than catnip.

Author: A.S. Akkalon

By day, A.S. Akkalon works in an office where the computers outnumber the suits of armour more than two-to-one. By night, she puts dreams of medieval castles, swords, and dragons onto paper.

6 thoughts on “Introducing my three feline overlords”

  1. Like Runs From Jeans, I too find hats with eyes alarming. All of your overlords sound utterly charming and firmly in control of things. I have no worries about you at all.

    1. My overlords are utterly charming, yes. They also rarely run up the curtains these days, and it’s been at least a week since they released a decidedly alive critter in the living room. I’m also confident that if I die in the house and stop feeding them they will happily eat me.

  2. Awww, they sound hilarious! I’m sad you didn’t include photos of them, but it’s good of you to protect the privacy of your fur-babies, I mean overlords. 🙂

    I wish I had a four-pawed menace… Sadly, my only overlord is Snake Plissken, the snake plant with a bad attitude. I got a snake plant because I wanted something nice and non-blooming. But Snake Plissken is not nice and has bloomed twice by now, and the first time around I wasn’t smart enough to nip it in the bud. I just thought, okay fine, I’m only allergic to birch, hazel, and one type of grass, how bad can it be? One eye infection later, I deduced I’m also pretty damn allergic to snake plants.

    Plus he keeps outgrowing his pot. Drives me crazy. I welcome your overlords to use my overlord as a scratching post.

    PS. Thank you for the book rec in your June 26th post! I’m reading Built from Broken and loving it; I’ve found new hope in my battle against back pain. 😀

    1. Thanks for understanding. My overlords are shy of cameras, and of course I’m worried about them being targeted on their way home from school.

      I didn’t know what a snake plant was, so I had to Google it. They’re very dignified looking, aren’t they?

      If yours keeps flowering, it sounds like it’s too happy. I suggest taking its water away and locking it in a dark closet until it learns it lesson. Or I could send my overlords to destroy it. Just rub some catnip on it and your problems will be solved (except for the soil and shredded pieces of plant all over the floor).

      Oh, I’m glad to hear you’re finding Built from Broken promising. Fingers crossed it works as well for you as it did for me!

  3. Aww your kitties have such personalities! Poor Runs from Jeans, running under the water! Cats always seem to get in the way in the worst ways. Merlin as a kitten used to sleep on the stairs, and learnt quickly it wasn’t smart! He also, like Princess Persephone Fluffybum, says the chair and desk in my office are his, and if I take too long getting a cup of tea, I lose all rights to sit there!

    1. Yes, Runs from Jeans is terrible about being in the wrong place at the wrong time and running into things. When he and Little Squeak try to run through the cat flap at the same time, it’s always him who gets pushed aside and bangs his head. Once he ran full tilt into the closed cat flat, not realising it takes a moment to register his microchip and unlock. He was so sad afterwards. 🙁

      Eek, Merlin! Don’t sleep on the stairs!

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