I promised I’d introduce my three new cats, but today I’m going to do better. I’ve brought them along to introduce themselves. They’ve been with me about a year, and not one has finished the first draft of their novel yet, but I’m sure they have plenty of other things to tell you about.
Alecia: So here with me today I have Little Squeak, Runs from Jeans, and Princess Persephone Fluffybum. Why don’t you guys start by introducing yourselves?
Little Squeak: Where’s the catnip? You said there’d be catnip.
Alecia: You ate the catnip. Can introduce yourself anyway?
Little Squeak: I’d rather bite Runs from Jeans.
Little Squeak straddles Runs from Jeans and munches on his ear.
Alecia: That was Little Squeak. He’s a green-eyed, short-haired tabby with the most ridiculous meow you ever heard–
Little Squeak: There’s nothing wrong with my meow.
Alecia: Can you say that again?
Little Squeak: Mep.
Alecia: You’re right, nothing wrong at all. And here’s a picture. It’s not Little Squeak, but it could be–except he’d probably be eating the chess piece, not sniffing it.
Alecia: And this is Runs from Jeans. He’s Little Squeak’s brother. He’s another short-haired tabby, but he has orange eyes and ginger in his coat. Can you tell the audience why you’re called Runs from Jeans?
Runs from Jeans: Did you say “jeans”?
Runs from Jeans dashes about the room meowing and finally squeezes under the couch.
Alecia: Sorry, he’s not coming back any time soon. While he’s under there, I can tell you he’s also scared of cat treats, hats with eyes on them, buckets of water…
Runs from Jeans, from under the couch: There’s nothing silly about being scared of buckets of water.
Alecia: You didn’t have to run under it.
Runs from Jeans: You didn’t have to throw it on me.
Alecia, aside: It was an accident, I swear. I’d put more water for the wipers in the car and I had some water left over. I went to throw it on the garden just as Runs From Jeans ran underneath.
Runs from Jeans: I’m never forgiving you for that.
Alecia: Yes, you are.
Alecia gives Runs from Jeans catnip. He comes out from under the couch to eat it and totally forgives her. Then Little Squeak smells the catnip and chomps Runs from Jeans’s throat. Nicely, of course.
Princess Persephone Fluffybum: Ahem. I’m Princess Persephone Fluffybum. You can call me Princess, because I’m a princess.
Alecia: What does it mean to be a princess?
Princess: A princess never eats the cheap cat food or the stuff that smells like raw meat. She sleeps exactly where she pleases and enjoys pats, but only on her terms.
Alecia: You mean you’re a cat.
Princess: Now you’ve lost stroking privileges.
Alecia: Thanks for those introductions. They were very unhelpful. Why don’t you tell me where you like to sleep?
Little Squeak: The back of the couch! And on the fluffy thing on the couch.
Alecia: You mean my Oodie?
Little Squeak: It’s mine now. You can tell because it smells like my spit.
Alecia: That’s because you dribble.
Runs from Jeans: I sleep in my bed by the fire, but when I get too hot I don’t fit and I fall out. Sometimes I sleep on the fluffy thing that smells like Little Squeak’s spit, and if he’s there first I sleep on top of him.
Little Squeak: Oh, that’s why I sometimes wake up with bum in my face.
Princess: I sleep on my chair beside my desk.
Alecia: You mean my chair beside my writing desk?
Princess: If you wanted it you should have sat on it first. I also sleep on my end of the couch.
Alecia: So, in hubby’s seat.
Princess: It’s only his until he gets up.
Alecia: That was very helpful, thank you. Now why don’t you all tell me what your greatest accomplishments have been?
Little Squeak: I caught three rats and a rabbit.*
* Alecia’s aside: Rats and rabbits are both pests around here, so I don’t feel too bad. Just a little bit bad because they’re cute and the rabbit might have been related to Nicholas Augustus.
Alecia: I know. You let two live rats go in the house and left a dead one in the library.
Little Squeak: Don’t forget the rabbit. Did you see what I did with the head?
Alecia: This is a friendly, G-rated blog. The audience doesn’t want to hear about that.
Little Squeak: But then I got hungry so I ate the head too.
Princess: I ate lots of bugs and a butterfly.
Alecia: You ate wetas, and left wetas on the living room floor–under the rug.
Princess: I was saving them for later.
Runs From Jeans: Once I ate catnip from right in front of Princess.
Alecia: I saw. She whopped you on the head really hard.
Runs from Jeans: Still worth it.
Alecia: And those were my feline overlords. They would stay and talk longer, but they have important sleeping by the fire to do. Except for Princess. Princesses never sleep near nasty things like fires.
Who are your overlords, feline, canine, ovine, vulpine, or otherwise? I’d love to hear about their greatest accomplishments.
Follow my blog. It’s better than catnip.