I have a confession.
I’m terrible at multi-tasking.
Don’t try to have a conversation with me while I’m browsing the web because I swear I won’t hear you. If I’m chopping vegetables, for the Great Cat’s sake get me to put down the knife before you ask me what clothes I have to go in the wash.
I can’t even walk and chew gum.
In most aspects of my life, I’ve learned to compensate for my inability to multi-task.
The one place it still gets me every time?
Making a cooked breakfast.
What is a cooked breakfast?
I started writing this post assuming everyone knows what a cooked breakfast is. Then I went to Pixabay to look for images.
I typed “cooked breakfast” in the search, and it came back with this.
No, Pixabay. Just no.
Since Pixabay is my source of wisdom on everything Americans do and don’t know, let me explain a cooked breakfast to you the way I explained it Pixabay:
eggs bacon fried tomatoes sausages toast
To be fair, hubby and I disagree on what should be in a cooked breakfast.
Bread? Me: toasted with margarine. Him: fried in butter.
Eggs? Me: fried, smiling like suns, on the toast. Him: scrambled.
Bacon? Me: fried in parallel strips, crispy. Him: what’s this “parallel”? Either undercooked or burned.
Tomatoes? Me: sliced and fried, because then I can pretend my breakfast is healthy. Him: sliced and fried, because then you can pretend your breakfast is healthy.
Mushrooms? Me: get that devil stench away from my food. Him: fried, and did you realise they’re better if you don’t cook them until black?
Sausages? Everyone likes a nice sausage.
Black pudding? Me: I feel so sophisticated eating this foreign food. Him: another thing I can fry.
Baked beans? Me: no, the tomato sauce makes my toast soggy, and don’t think of letting them near my bacon. Him: but, vegetables!
But why is making a cooked breakfast so hard?
Let me point out a few realities to you.
Buttered toast must have the margarine applied within ten seconds of the toaster popping up or the margarine sits around like the mounds of grease it is.
Eggs have to come straight out of a hot frying pan onto toast. Leave them sitting in the pan off the heat and they turn to rubber. Move them onto a plate as a temporary measure before shifting them onto the toast, and what are you trying to do? Destroy the universe?
Bacon must be browned evenly on both sides and eaten within three minutes of coming out of a hot pan. And it can’t be cooked in the same pan as eggs, tomatoes, or mushrooms. (Because soggy, soggy, stinky.)
My warming drawer died four years ago and is now home to three generations of dust bunny, the ugly cousin of the lesser spotted plot bunny.
My stove has two elements large enough for a frying pan, and each has two temperatures: barely warm and supernova.
(Can anyone tell me why when I search Pixabay for “stove element” it gives me pictures of brick walls?)
When I walk into the kitchen I already know the odds are against me, but I’m hungry and I’m going to try anyway.
Two frying pans on the front elements. Check.
Two slices of bread out of the freezer and into the toaster. Not down yet, just in.
A chunk of butter in each pan. (Still cold.)
Slice the tomatoes and mushrooms.
Am I ready? I can do anything to get more ready?
Let’s do this.
Frying pans on, but not the toaster yet because toast doesn’t take as long as eggs, right?
Are the pans hot yet? Flick water in them. Not yet.
Butter sizzles. How about now?
Toast down. Bacon in. Eggs in. Other fryable things everywhere.
Oh no, there’s eggshell in with the eggs. Try to fish it out, but I need to flip the bacon.
Now the toast’s up and I haven’t got the margarine out of the fridge. My ten seconds are ticking.
Margarine, knife. Why are there no knives in the drawer?
Ten seconds are up and I haven’t flipped the bacon or buttered the toast.
The pans have gone supernova. I’m being attacked by spitting bacon.
Turn down the heat.
I endeavour to flip the tomato slices and they slither away.
Now the toast is cold, bacon is burned, and the eggs still have the consistency of a slug trail.
Thank the Great Cat even a terrible cooked breakfast is pretty awesome.
Am I the only one who gets overwhelmed by having to time the toast correctly relative to the eggs? And does anyone want an oven going cheap? It kind of works.
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