I wrote and edited a whole book, which I’m now querying (looking for an agent to represent me to publishers).
No, it’s not out yet, and no, it doesn’t have reviews. But everyone on Twitter is writing one-star reviews of their own books, so I thought I’d join the fun.
Here’s a moodboard I made for it. You’ll have to excuse my lack of artistic talent, because, you know, dragons.
Please enjoy these 1⭐️ and 2⭐️ reviews of Rain on Dragon Scales, my adult fantasy novel.
1/5 ⭐️ The villain isn’t even villainous. He’s way too smart and nice and just did a few dubious things. He should be the hero.
1/5 ⭐️ Not political enough.
2/5 ⭐️ A priest wouldn’t decide to kill someone. It goes against religious teachings.
1/5 ⭐️ Two kids travelled too far on their own. It sets a bad example for children.
2/5 ⭐️ Not enough sex. FFS, they don’t even kiss! You call this romance?
1/5 ⭐️ Not credible. Women can’t fight.
2/5 ⭐️ Admittedly cute, but not real literature.
2/5 ⭐️ We’re all thinking it. The little dragon is just a cat.
1/5 ⭐️ Ugh, I hate fantasy.
1/5 ⭐️ I don’t get the main character at all. She keeps saying she’s violent, but then she does random soppy stuff. It’s almost like she’s got two sides to her.
2/5 ⭐️ I don’t like dragons.
1/5 ⭐️ I hated the ending so much I’d give it a million negative stars if I could. The good guys win and all is well? Way too pat.
1/5 ⭐️ Ridiculously long. I never read a book over 200 pages.
2/5 ⭐️ This book is a mess. Dragons can’t talk.
2/5 ⭐️ It’s fantasy, but there’s hardly any magic. No one throws fireballs or makes tornados or huge waves.
2/5 ⭐️ Where is this even set? It doesn’t sound like anywhere in the US that I know.
1/5 ⭐️ Unrealistic. You couldn’t go your whole life with bare feet. You’d end up with so much glass in your soles.
2/5 ⭐️ The main characters at the end seem like totally different people to how they were at the start. It’s like the author made them change or something. That’s rubbish–people don’t change.
1/5 ⭐️ Arrived a week late with the corner bent.
Do you want to read my book more or less after reading these? Would you like to add a terrible review of your own book?
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Still laughing. Among my faves: “Dragons can’t talk.” I wrote a humor-horror fantasy story (now published) about a monster that lives under a bridge and makes a deal with the town fathers to provide it an annual human sacrifice. One editor complained that the monster’s English was too modern. Oy.
Goodness! There’s no accounting for some people.
1⭐ These are bad reviews. Some of them don’t even make sense. And one of them (about women not being able to fight) is sexist. Also, dragons can talk so that is very bigoted. Would not recommend! Don’t read these!
Hee. I hadn’t seen this trend (I’m not on “X” anymore) but it looks like great fun. And yours are spectacularly terrible. Well done, you! 5⭐
Haha. 5⭐ for your review of these reviews!
I tried to quit Twitter too, but it didn’t really take. Now I just block freely and enjoy the delightful shenanigans of the writing community there.
“I don’t like dragons” Yep. I got pretty much that verbatim – on a book that clearly says ‘with dragons’ in the subtitle …
I’m amazed they could read enough to figure out your book had dragons if they missed that! 🙂
Haha this looks like a lot of fun! The last one made me laugh, I’ve seen that or a variation quite a few times on Amazon book reviews! At least half of them would encourage me to read the book too, negative reviews aren’t always a bad thing as it’ll often mention something the reviewer hates but I love, like talking dragons 😀
I did have a lot of fun writing them. 🙂
You’re right, negative reviews often just tell you about elements in the book that the reviewer didn’t like–but maybe you do.
-still laughing- ‘Arrived a week late with the corner bent.’ Reverse psychology is the best. 😀
I’m glad you liked it! 😀
Very clever. 😀 … love ’em.
I’m glad you like them. They were a lot of fun to write!