I got out a bottle of wine tonight because it’s Friday and I can. Also because I want to.
I read the label to see if it was undertones of plum or blackcurrant I should be expecting, and was mildly alarmed to see the warning “may contain traces of milk and fish products”.
If it’s all the same to you, I’d really rather my wine didn’t contain fish products.
Sure the label says “traces”, but that sounds remarkably like one of these euphemisms that starts with “you might feel a little pinch” and ends with you screaming in agony, convinced your arm is falling off.
“Traces of milk” in your wine doesn’t sound appealing—something like when you accidentally add milk to your orange juice—but it doesn’t sound horrifying.
“Traces of fish products”, however, makes it sound like they dropped a handful of fish entrails in the wine before realising their mistake and fishing them out. Hence “traces” and not “loops”.
That doesn’t make it okay.
But my mind isn’t content to stop there.
What if it wasn’t just chunks or loops of fish in my wine, but fish. Fish swimming around and being all scaly and slimy and staring at me? Fish like this.
Wow, how judgmental is this fish?
If I saw that in my wine I’d put it back on the shelf and quit drinking for at least a week.
Wine isn’t the only place where product labels can get weird. Some of my favourites have been
- a packet of peanuts that said, “Warning, may contain nuts”, because they’re not quite sure (though purists will tell you that peanuts are not actually nuts, so perhaps their confusion was justified), and
- a tin of beans labelled “vegetarian beans”, because either the beans grew on plants, not pigs, or they lived on a strictly plant-based diet.
At least I didn’t find any “carnivorous beans”.
These are probably very good reasons to not eat packaged food, and I don’t when I can be bothered cooking the natural, wholesome type. (That happens sometimes.) Now, off to have another glass of my fish-based wine.
What weird things have you read on product labels?
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