Lion cat and the tunnel of death

Lion in the kitchen
What would you do if you found this in your kitchen?

The empty bowl

The first sign something was wrong was the empty cat food bowl. His Royal Fluffiness (HRF) never cleans his bowl to the bedrock, and yet there both bowls were, sparkling clean.

I didn’t catch on at that stage, though I should have.

The next day I was in the living room with HRF and I heard a crash in the kitchen. It wasn’t the sort of crash you get when a breeze knocks over the paper towel roll, but more the kind of crash you get when an over excited feline spars with a bowl of cat food.

I jumped up and heard the thump thump thump of the cat flap. By the time I arrived in the kitchen it was empty and so was the cat food bowl.

Lion cat

In the living room some time later, I heard a kerfuffle in the kitchen involving a great deal of hissing.

Cat language is hard to convey in letters, so allow me to translate.

HRF: Get out of my kitchen, you foul devil spawn!

Unknown creature: I found food. I found food. La la la la I found food.

HRF: I said, out!

Cat flap: Thump thump thump.

I ran to the front door where HRF was glaring out through the glass and saw on the driveway the creature that had been feasting on his food. It looked shocked and indignant at being chased from its dinner, and a touch smug.

It was a lion. Let me elaborate on that. It was a long-haired ginger cat that had been shaved to look like a lion, with a full mane and a tuft of fur on the tip of its tail.

When I recovered from my surprise, I laughed. That was too much for lion cat, who took off into the bushes. I ran outside and made a lot of noise, trying to register “must not go back to that place, too scary” in lion cat’s brain.

Alas, it was not to be.

Come evening, I topped up HRF’s bowl and blocked the cat flap with a sizeable box.

I was in the other room with my husband…

H: Did you hear that noise?

Me: What kind of noise?

H: Like a lion cat pushed a box out of the way to get in a cat flap.

It was. He had. More serious measures would be required.

The tunnel of death

I called the cat flap company. Yes, they could install an electronic cat flap that would only open if it sensed HRF’s microchip. They were very efficient, and $350 later we were the proud owners of an electronic cat flap.

We held it open to show HRF. The conversation went something like this.

Us: Look! It’s a nice new cat flap that you can use but evil lion cat won’t be able to get through.

HRF: That’s not a cat flap.

Us: Yes it is. Just put your head here.

HRF: Back off.

Us: See, it’s easy. Can’t you smell the outside air?

HRF: Of course I can, but if you think I going through that Tunnel of Death you can sod off and lick my bum fluff.

Us: We’re not going to let you out. You’ll have to learn to use the new cat flap.

HRF: Then I will sit by the front door–the human door–and wail piteously. I will wail piteously all night and all day if that’s what it takes to get you to open the door for me.

The stubbornness of a cat

The next day we went to work and left HRF inside. When we arrived home he had some things to say to us.

HRF: You are evil people. You left me locked inside all day. You’re lucky I didn’t pee on the couch.

Us: If you wanted to go outside you could have used the cat flap.

HRF: Are you stupid? It’s not a cat flap. It’s a tunnel of death and I refuse to go near it.

A week and a half on, he still won’t go near the new cat flap. It keeps out lion cat and keeps in HRF. We’ve ended up with a $350 new piece of wall.


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Author: A.S. Akkalon

By day, A.S. Akkalon works in an office where the computers outnumber the suits of armour more than two-to-one. By night, she puts dreams of medieval castles, swords, and dragons onto paper.

8 thoughts on “Lion cat and the tunnel of death”

  1. Let me begin by saying I don’t like cats for a multitude of reasons, the most predominant reason being that I’m allergic…HOWEVER I enjoyed this post a whole lot. I got a good chuckle out of it. The “dialogue” between you and the cat was a joy to read because of its fluidity. I’ve just subscribed. Best of luck with your fantasy endeavors! The genre can benefit from dialogue written by a hand with your command.

    1. You don’t like cats?! You are henceforth banished from… no, never mind. I appreciate your slickness with the compliments, so you can stay. 🙂

      I’m actually allergic to cats too, but I couldn’t live without them, so I don’t.

      I’ve followed your blog too. Good luck with that first draft!

  2. Love it – cats are so wonderfully stubborn when they choose to be! I changed cat food to try and get Layla to drop some weight, and she starved herself for two days before I had to give in. Humans: 0 Cat willpower: 10.

    Hope HRF starts using the cat flap soon!

    1. Hilarious! I get the feeling our saga’s going to end like that as well. At some point it will be too inconvenient that HRF can’t go in and out on his own, and we’ll replace the cat flap.

      Have you tried mixing the food Layla doesn’t like with something she will eat? We did that with HRF’s food when we bought a sack of food he wouldn’t touch. He grudgingly eats the mix, though it’s going to take him a year to get through the sack.

  3. I love all animals, except maybe spiders. I have arachnophobia. Anyway, I had no idea you can get such intelligent cat flaps these days! It reads microchips and only lets HRF through! If only he used it, that is. How amazing! I love technology, but evidently cats don’t. I hope HRF eventually warms up to the Tunnel of Death…

    1. It is wonderful technology. It would be even better if it didn’t make a little clicking sound when it sensed his chip. He’s not fond of that noise. 🙁

  4. I really thought this was going to be a raccoon stealing from your cat’s food, but research suggests there are no raccoons in NZ. I apologize for that, they’re wonderfully cute. Also jerks, but that’s a different matter. Just look at their itty bitty fingers!

    I don’t know who shaved their cat to look like a lion, but they’re brilliant. I commend their hair trimming skill, if not their capacity to teach their cat that stealing is wrong! Tsk, tsk.

    Funny post, as always. Loved the translated cat dialogue. Seemed spot on to me!

    1. It does make me very sad that we don’t have raccoons. We have possums to make up for it – also adorable, and a total hazard to the native flora and fauna. I don’t know if a possum could learn to use a cat flap, but given a cat can’t…

      I googled “lion cat” after I wrote this. The pictures that come up are hilarious, the common theme being that most of the cats look highly disgruntled.

      Thanks for coming by!

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