Gratitude is a wonderful thing, as I understand it. It makes you feel better about life and generally gives you the fluffy bunnies. Today I want to talk about things I’m grateful for. But not just any things.
Lovely things that can also be used as weapons.
You might ask why. Don’t.
Rain is a glorious thing. Some days I find it hard to believe that droplets of drinkable water just fall from the sky.
One of the best things about rain is how great it makes everything smell, even asphalt. Making grass and trees smell nice is not especially noteworthy because they always smell good. But asphalt? Very impressive.
Another wonderful thing about rain is the multiple ways in which it can be weaponised. Drive quickly through a muddy puddle as a pedestrian walks past and you have a blatant attack.
For more subtlety, walk around in the rain until you’re drenched, and then go into someone’s house. Make puddles on the carpet and stain the furniture with water marks.
The best thing about this is that you’ll look so pathetic they’ll have a hard time getting mad at you.
I’m grateful for grass, which is like a fragrant outdoor carpet that never needs to be vacuumed (which I strongly dislike, as you may recall).
Grass is food for bunnies (plot and otherwise), stops the soil blowing away, and keeps the earth from having to walk around naked.
Freshly cut grass is one of my favourite smells. It’s also a fearsome weapon. Throw it at your target and she might end up sneezing and covered in itchy weals. At the very least, she’ll spend the next half hour shaking grass off her clothes, out of her hair, and out from inside her top.
The sun kills more than just germs. It also evaporates dark thoughts, doubts, and the desire to move around. There’s nothing like a good fix of vitamin D when writer’s block strikes.
Sunshine also makes peaches grow, and I wholeheartedly approve of peaches.
When it comes to combat, sunshine can be weaponised in several ways. Manoeuvre to the correct orientation, and sunshine will blind you enemy so he can’t see where you are. If this isn’t possible, a reflective surface such as a mirror or laptop screen can be used to create a similar effect.
When concentrated through a magnifying glass or similar clever contraption, sunshine can kill. Especially if your enemy is an ant. No, I don’t condone burning helpless creatures to death, but this is war we’re talking about. Yesterday that ant shot a dozen villagers.
I’m grateful for flowers. They’re pretty, straightforward, and they never purposefully put themselves down in order to fish for a compliment.
Some smell pleasant, and none whinge when you accidentally walk on them.
Poisonous flowers, of which there are some, can be weaponised by ingestion, assuming you can convince your enemy to eat them. Likely effects include a nasty taste in the mouth and mild stomach cramps.
With a bit more planning, flowers or flower petals can be used to lure an enemy into a trap by disguising it as a romantic encounter. The consequences can be dire.
I’m grateful that cats are cats. They never argue about who was supposed to take out the rubbish (it was never them, duh) or who’s hogging the covers (they are, deal with it).
If you need me to explain how they can be used as weapons, you don’t know cats.
Don’t forget there’s so much in life to be grateful for, and potential weapons are everywhere.
What are you grateful for that could be used as a weapon?
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