Gratitude is a wonderful thing, as I understand it. It makes you feel better about life and generally gives you the fluffy bunnies. Today I want to talk about things I’m grateful for. But not just any things.
Lovely things that can also be used as weapons.
You might ask why. Don’t.
1. Rain
Rain is a glorious thing. Some days I find it hard to believe that droplets of drinkable water just fall from the sky.
One of the best things about rain is how great it makes everything smell, even asphalt. Making grass and trees smell nice is not especially noteworthy because they always smell good. But asphalt? Very impressive.
Another wonderful thing about rain is the multiple ways in which it can be weaponised. Drive quickly through a muddy puddle as a pedestrian walks past and you have a blatant attack.
For more subtlety, walk around in the rain until you’re drenched, and then go into someone’s house. Make puddles on the carpet and stain the furniture with water marks.
The best thing about this is that you’ll look so pathetic they’ll have a hard time getting mad at you.
2. Grass
I’m grateful for grass, which is like a fragrant outdoor carpet that never needs to be vacuumed (which I strongly dislike, as you may recall).
Leave it too long and it becomes a jungle with princes to be rescued by princesses riding unicorns and the most beautiful tiny flowers.
Grass is food for bunnies (plot and otherwise), stops the soil blowing away, and keeps the earth from having to walk around naked.
Freshly cut grass is one of my favourite smells. It’s also a fearsome weapon. Throw it at your target and she might end up sneezing and covered in itchy weals. At the very least, she’ll spend the next half hour shaking grass off her clothes, out of her hair, and out from inside her top.
3. Sunshine
The sun kills more than just germs. It also evaporates dark thoughts, doubts, and the desire to move around. There’s nothing like a good fix of vitamin D when writer’s block strikes.
Sunshine also makes peaches grow, and I wholeheartedly approve of peaches.
When it comes to combat, sunshine can be weaponised in several ways. Manoeuvre to the correct orientation, and sunshine will blind you enemy so he can’t see where you are. If this isn’t possible, a reflective surface such as a mirror or laptop screen can be used to create a similar effect.
When concentrated through a magnifying glass or similar clever contraption, sunshine can kill. Especially if your enemy is an ant. No, I don’t condone burning helpless creatures to death, but this is war we’re talking about. Yesterday that ant shot a dozen villagers.
4. Flowers
I’m grateful for flowers. They’re pretty, straightforward, and they never purposefully put themselves down in order to fish for a compliment.
Some smell pleasant, and none whinge when you accidentally walk on them.
Poisonous flowers, of which there are some, can be weaponised by ingestion, assuming you can convince your enemy to eat them. Likely effects include a nasty taste in the mouth and mild stomach cramps.
With a bit more planning, flowers or flower petals can be used to lure an enemy into a trap by disguising it as a romantic encounter. The consequences can be dire.
5. Cats
I’m grateful that cats are cats. They never argue about who was supposed to take out the rubbish (it was never them, duh) or who’s hogging the covers (they are, deal with it).
If you need me to explain how they can be used as weapons, you don’t know cats.
Don’t forget there’s so much in life to be grateful for, and potential weapons are everywhere.
What are you grateful for that could be used as a weapon?
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I suppose you are right, but we can’t do without them…well, maybe we don’t need cats. Lol
Maybe you don’t need cats. I need cats, and a whole lot of crazy cat ladies need cats. 🙂
Very interesting combination of ideas. Hit us with the beautiful aspects of these things then turn that beauty on its head!
Thanks. 🙂 I thought I might have trouble thinking how to weaponise nice things, but it was actually really easy.
Ooh, nice things that can be used as a weapon! 😀 Breakfast. Or vegetables. I have to admit I only ever tried these on my husband, but they held him in terror. Except that by now he has become happily immune and eats breakfast and vegetables even when I’m not there to bitch about it. He doesn’t even cringe when I put salad in front of him, he just digs in. I wonder what else I could weaponize. I have to continue my reign of terror somehow.
Haha, vegetables are a terrible weapon. They have the power to destroy your soul from the inside, or at least upset your taste buds. Though you’re right, developing immunity is an issue in the long run. You could move on to other “health foods” – people have come up with a plethora of things more disgusting than vegetables in recent years.
Forget the flowers … that lovely Waterford lead crystal vase is the real weapon.
The vase sparkled in the sunlight and cast fragments of rainbow across the ceiling as she smashed it over his head. Yep, that’ll work.
“You might ask why. Don’t.” Bahaha! Got it.
“Yesterday that ant shot a dozen villagers.” Hey now, one war crime doesn’t make up for another. Kidding. That ant deserved it. Toast ’em!
Very funny post. Cute, with a hint of violence. I can dig that.
Haha. “Cute, with a hint of violence,” just like me. (Except for the cute part.)
I’m grateful for wisteria, which not only can be pulled down and used as rope for strangling, but also is full of bees when in bloom.
Ooh, yes! Me too! Wisteria, so beautiful and so deadly.