Having to eat every day is a ridiculous design flaw in humans. Eating is expensive, time-consuming, and often dull. I have a better proposal.
Whoever designed humans so we have to eat every day made a serious mistake.
Perhaps it seemed like a good idea at the time, but if a bit of thought had gone in it would never have made it out of the boardroom.
The problems with having to eat every day
The first problem is obvious. Eating is expensive.
Think about the big issues in the world. Once you get past people blowing each other up and friends who borrow books and never return them, hunger is right up there.
Some people can’t afford to eat regularly because eating is freaking expensive, and that isn’t fair.
Maybe they work hard and scrounge up the money for one meal. They eat it and for a few hours the world is good.
But after half a day you know what happens? They need to eat AGAIN.
Tell me this isn’t a terrible design flaw in the human body.
Even if expense is not an issue, having to eat multiple times a day is jolly inconvenient.
Maybe you’re busy. You have a job or a life, possibly even both. The last thing you want to do when you’re elbow-deep in living is stop everything to prepare and eat food.
Such a waste of time.
Of course, entrepreneurial people have endeavoured to cash in on the hassle of preparing food, hence 2-minute noodles. Though whether these are in fact food is debatable.
With practice, you can get the eating part down to a couple of minutes per meal, as long as you don’t eat anything that requires too much chewing or too many cutlery antics.
Steak is definitely out.
However, speed eating may not be a good idea. I Googled “foods you need to chew a lot”–hoping to supplement my “steak” point–and all the articles that came up were about the psychological and physiological benefits of chewing your food thoroughly.
Chewing seems to cure everything from dandruff to hangnail.
I didn’t read the articles, though, so perhaps they’re thinly-veiled ads for dentists.
Alternatively, you can learn to eat while you do whatever it is you’d rather be doing. This works well if you’d rather be reading a book, less well if you’d rather be jet skiing.
The ability to eat while doing life is why I learned to type one-handed.**
Boredom with food
This is the big one for me.
I am SO BORED of eating.
Sure, there was a time when it was fun, but after all these years I still need to shove things in my mouth, chew, and swallow them every single day? Give me a break.
I’m not saying I never enjoy eating, but I enjoy lots of things that I wouldn’t want to do every day. Like watching Harry Potter. They’re great movies (and books), but even I can only watch them so many days in a row before I start to get bored.
A better proposal
Having explained what’s wrong with the current system, let me explain my proposal.
Eating should be optional.
And it should be unrelated to your health, weight, energy, mood, and everything else you care about.
Some people can’t afford to feed themselves, some (like children) can only eat what another person gives them, and some can feed themselves but are terrible at it.
We need to stop penalising them.
Everyone complains there aren’t enough hours in the day. Under my system, you’ll have the option of escaping the burden of eating for as long as it takes to get your workload under control.
And being bored of eating will never be a problem again. When you can’t face the idea of another mouthful of lamb roast or creamy mashed potatoes, take a break. When you come back in a month food will be exciting and new again.
We’ll still be able to enjoy an ice cream or strawberries and chocolate cake when we felt like it, but we won’t have to worry about calories or deal with mood swings if we neglect to eat.
There’s no way this is not a superior system.
Why your objections are wrong
Now someone’s going to tell me that I shouldn’t pick on eating. It’s not that inconvenient, and eating together is a pleasant social activity.
Playing paintball is a pleasant social activity. So is tramping. So is playing Monopoly.
It’s nice to have the option of eating with friends. It’s less nice to be forced to do this instead of other activities because otherwise you’ll get hangry and kill each other.
Let us decide if we want to go birdwatching with friends or out for pancakes.
Here’s another relevant psychological fact.*** You enjoy activities more when they’re infrequent.
If you eat dinner every night it’s mundane. If you do it once a week it becomes a special occasion.
I’m sure with my leaky arguments I’ve convinced you that eating should be optional. So next time this question comes up for referendum I know I can trust you to vote the right way.
Until that day, happy TV dinners.
What do you think? Am I the only person in the world who’s bored of eating?
Get notified every time I publish a post or story. You can eat while you read them.
** This is entirely untrue. I learned to type one-handed when I was about five, and got fast enough that there wasn’t any point learning to type with two hands. The fact I can eat with one hand and type with the other is just a bonus.
*** And by “fact” I mean “thing I want to say in order to make my point”.