Seventy-five percent of people you pass in the street are trying to lose weight. (Like 94% of statistics, this number is entirely fabricated.)
Trying to lose weight sucks for two reasons:
- You don’t get to eat food that’s full of empty calories and, face it, that’s most stuff that tastes good, like cookies, ice cream, and apricot pies.
- You don’t actually lose weight.
At any point in time a dozen fad diets are doing the rounds. Some of them probably work because they force you to spend so much on membership, videos, programmes, recipes, secret handshakes, and special food replacement shakes that you can no longer afford to actually eat.
But what if you want to lose weight and have money left at the end of it?
Good news! Not all calories count equally.
I’m about to share five ways you can eat whatever you like and have the calories not count at all. All you need to do is decide what you want to eat first.
1. Anything you eat when you’re travelling or on holiday doesn’t count
Big Mac and fries while you’re waiting in the airport for your connection: zero calories. Three courses of hotel room service plus cheesecake: zilch. Cocktails on a tropical beach: the same as water.
Luckily for us, calories don’t travel, so anything you eat away from home stays there.
2. Anything you eat at a work function doesn’t count
Your boss is there and it would be bad for your career to be seen not eating. Since you have no choice about eating at work functions, it wouldn’t be fair for you to bear the consequences of it.
Since life is fair, you don’t.
3. Food you cancel out with celery doesn’t count
Celery has magical powers, and not just the power of being stringy and watery and not tasting like food. It counts for negative calories, so if you eat enough of it you can cancel out eating anything you like. Though if you eat a whole chocolate cake be prepared to eat roughly a field full of celery.
4. Any food you don’t pay for doesn’t count
Because it’s free food.
This one can be challenging because you have to convince someone else to pay for your food, but once you manage this you’re golden.
5. If you’re so drunk you don’t remember eating the food it doesn’t count
Because if you don’t remember something it can’t have happened. There’s also a non-zero probability you actually won’t keep the food down. I don’t recommend this method (4 is my favourite), but if it sneaks up on you then just go with it. Some bars make pretty good fries.
Now that you’re armed with these secret tips for eating tasty food with zero calories, you’re ready to go forth and feast. I think I’m going to start with roast lamb.
Have I missed any situations in which calories don’t count? Do you have any other tips for shedding those pounds?
Don’t be selfish—share my secret tips with your friends. The chocolate cake companies will thank you for it. The magic buttons below will help you (and it costs you zero calories to press them).
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