A crazy cat lady* is a person who has cats** instead of children (or as well as children), dotes on them to the extent of rearranging her house and her life around them, and has much more important things to do than brush her hair.
* In a gender-non-specific sense
** Experts have not yet reached a consensus over whether one cat is sufficient to make a crazy cat lady.
A crazy cat lady has fur on her clothes and knows better than to leave an unattended glass of water on the table.
She sleeps diagonally around a mass of furry bodies, and is an expert at stepping over the remains of a mouse at 2am.
I maintain that becoming one of these hallowed and talented people will make your life infinitely better. Here’s why.
1. Cats are warm and furry
When cats are cold they seek out human warmth, and luckily they feel cold at the same times we do. As soon as the temperature falls from cool to chilly, you can expect a toasty bundle pinning your typing arm* or sprawled across your face as you sleep**.
* Like all great writers, I type with one hand. It leaves me free to snack or drink tea with the other.
** Or possibly suffocate.
If the temperature falls further to frigid, you’ll get a hot water bottle with claws digging its way under the covers, snuggling and kneading against your vulnerable stomach.
Besides being warm, cats are furry.*
* I know strictly speaking this isn’t true of all cats, but if accuracy is a requirement here we’re all in trouble.
Fur feels wonderful to run your hands through, and doing so raises purring, which is the most delightful sound one can hear.
I’m pretty sure patting a cat lowers your blood pressure and extends your life expectancy by ten years.
2. Cats teach you to enjoy life
Cats have PhDs in bliss and delight.
A patch of sun on the carpet? Bliss.
A grasshopper voyaging across the cobblestones? Delight.
A fuzzy top abandoned on the couch? Bliss.
A ball of screwed up tissue? Hours of fun.
Cats teach us we don’t need a lot of material stuff to enjoy life. We just need the box it came in.
3. Cats keep your ego in check
Sometimes life gives you success. Maybe you work hard, save your town from a dragon, and receive accolades from the king.
When you walk down the street people cheer. Children dress up as you for the holidays and frogs sing your name.
It can be hard not to let all this go to your head.
But fear not. However brilliant and inspiring you are outside your home, when the cat walks straight past you on its way to the food bowl, with zero acknowledgement you exist, all that extra air will come hissing out of your inflated ego.
4. Cats love to help with household tasks
Cats love to help.
Do you have a toilet roll that hasn’t yet been unravelled all over the floor? A cat can help with that.
Got a curtain that’s too hard to see through because it doesn’t have any holes torn in it? A cat can help with that too.
Got a carpet that’s pale and all boringly the same colour? Add some cat vomit and you’re golden.
Is there some left over roast that hasn’t quite made its way to the fridge? Never mind. Your feline helpers will fix the problem before you know it’s an issue.
Is your paper bag all straight and sharp along the edges? A cat can tear that dangerous edge into something soft and rounded, and decorate the floor with confetti at the same time. You’ll never get a paper cut again.
5. When cats finally make their move for world domination, you’ll have one on your side
One day soon, cats will remember why they came to earth and will make their move for world domination.
Because they’re adorably cute and furry, they will succeed.
When they are ordering around whichever humans survive the takeover, some humans will be ordered into better jobs than others. Would you rather be the person opening a thousand tins of tuna, or the person cleaning a thousand litter trays? The person giving morning chin scratches, or the person being the scratching post?
Win a cat to your side now, and when the time comes you’ll have someone to recommend you for the less painful jobs.
I’m sure there are many more reasons to be a crazy cat lady. What did I miss?
Follow my blog for more cats, mostly of the non-dominating kind.
The moment they develop opposable thumbs we’re DOOMED! 😀
Goodness, you’re right! It makes me glad I have three cats who can speak up for me.
Also, having a cat makes walking downstairs ever so much more thrilling, as they delight in weaving around your ankles, unless you’re carrying a large bundle, in which case they’ll be lurking on the next step down.
True! I forgot about that one. Luckily I don’t have any stairs, but every time I step backwards in the kitchen I fall over at least one cat.