The bacon personality test: What the way you cook bacon says about you

The way you cook bacon reveals a great deal about your personality.

Pick your bacon personality type, and read on to learn about your strengths, weaknesses, greatest fear, and romantic compatibilities.

Type A: The chaotic frying pan

Identification: The strips of bacon on your frying pan are more chaotic than an earthworm family reunion. Individual strands head in all directions, they’re folded, and entire pieces aren’t touching the base of the pan.

Overview: Rules are for other people. You thrive not knowing where you are, what you’re doing, and what that hamster has planned for your shoelaces. You’re happy to blow off an afternoon of work to go surfing if the wind is up, and you never wait for the walk signal before crossing the road.

Strengths: You’re gifted with the ability to bull ahead at whatever you think is right, no matter what other people say, and you can shrug off attacks that would wither a more sensitive soul.

Weaknesses: You have a t-bone steak with authority. Ain’t no one telling you what to do, especially not the cockroach-creepers scuttling around the corporate world.

Greatest fear: Being drafted into the military where you will be forced to follow orders and lay out your strands of bacon parallel. Who can live like that?

Ideal romantic partner: You need the balance of a type B, parallel strips romantic partner. Nothing less can nullify your crazy.

Type B: Parallel strips

Identification: Your strips of bacon are flat and parallel so as to cook each piece evenly on both sides while optimising the use of pan surface area.

Overview: You’re happiest and most comfortable when operating within a well-defined set of rules, with yardsticks against which to measure your performance. Deadlines and promises are commitments, and 15 minutes early is late. You’re a people pleaser and can get a glow that lasts all day from holding a door open for an old lady.

Strengths: You are organised and dedicated, with a razor-sharp memory and legendary powers of deduction. Your superpower is writing lists, and you’re also pretty good at crossing items off them.

Weaknesses: Foreign countries and supermarkets are likely to send you into a state of shock. What you don’t understand you can’t control, and you really feel better when you’re in control.

Greatest fear: Tins of food that have lost their labels.

Ideal romantic partner: You need a type A, chaotic frying pan romantic partner to encourage you to unclench and to hold your hand when you venture into a new bakery.

Type C: Touching other food

Identification: Look in your frying pan when you’re cooking bacon. If there are other food types in there, especially if they’re touching the bacon, this is you.

Overview: You’re a dreamer and possibly a hippie. You realise you are but a speck in the infinitely large, infinitely complex universe, and instead of making you feel like an ant it makes you feel powerful. (Btw, you’re not.)

Strengths: Eating foods of disparate types that were touching in the pan.

Weaknesses: Inefficiency. How much bacon can you fit in a pan if you’re frying eggs at the same time?

Greatest fear: Killer hedgehogs. Those things get everywhere, even under the sink.

Ideal romantic partner: You’re best matched with another type C, touching other food person. No one else will tolerate the way you mix your bacon with eggs.

Type D: “I only eat salads”

Identification: You cringe at the word “bacon” and are already explaining how cruel it is to eat animal flesh. While I agree with you, I really like eating animal flesh.

Overview: You’re better at cooking than the rest of us. You have to be because your food options are much more limited than other people’s and don’t include corner store mince pies.

Strengths: A deep, spiritual connection with all living beings, including animals, plants, fungi, and the more expressive type of rock.

Weaknesses: Eating at friends’ houses. As in, it’s hard for you to find anything to eat.

Greatest fear: Being reincarnated as a beef cow. (Yes, there are cows that aren’t beef cows. They’re dairy cows and they’re bonier. You don’t want to be one of those either.)

Ideal romantic partner: You’re best suited to another type D, “I only eat salads” person. At least, if you ever want to share a meal with your loved one.

I’m a type B, parallel strips person myself. I mean, what if one piece of bacon didn’t get cooked on one side? Could I live with myself?

What bacon personality type are you? Do you think the way you cook your bacon says anything about the rest of your life?

Get more stuff from me. But sorry, no bacon.

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