July 2023 | Page 2 of 2 | A.S. Akkalon

Why ChatGPT won’t replace fiction writers any time soon

ChatGPT might be impressive, but I’m not convinced it will replace fiction writers any time soon. Here it pretends to know me, then makes a hash of imitating me.

If you read the news, or talk to people who read the news, I’m sure you’ve heard of ChatGPT and all its little AI friends.

There’s been a lot of excitement about the possibilities, and a lot of angst about the possible destruction of human civilisation. Recently some writers sued the company behind one of these models for using their work to train the model without compensating them.

But I’m not going to talk about any of that.

What I want to know is whether ChatGPT can replace me.

Introducing my three feline overlords

I have three cats and they’re all here to say hi. The photo isn’t them.

I promised I’d introduce my three new cats, but today I’m going to do better. I’ve brought them along to introduce themselves. They’ve been with me about a year, and not one has finished the first draft of their novel yet, but I’m sure they have plenty of other things to tell you about.

Alecia: So here with me today I have Little Squeak, Runs from Jeans, and Princess Persephone Fluffybum. Why don’t you guys start by introducing yourselves?

Little Squeak: Where’s the catnip? You said there’d be catnip.

Alecia: You ate the catnip. Can introduce yourself anyway?

Little Squeak: I’d rather bite Runs from Jeans.

Little Squeak straddles Runs from Jeans and munches on his ear.

Alecia: That was Little Squeak. He’s a green-eyed, short-haired tabby with the most ridiculous meow you ever heard–

The only advice you need to write your first novel

Here’s the best advice out there on how to write your first novel. I know because I wrote it. You should still ignore it.

Eighty-three percent of people want to write a novel.*

* Like 97 percent of statistics, this number is made up.

But perhaps you do want to write a novel. You’ve always loved to tell stories, and fantastic lands and tortured characters clamour in your head. You must set them free in the world for the good of all mankind.

Being the intelligent person you are, you do some research on how to write a novel and are promptly overwhelmed.

Amazon gives over 2000 results for “how to write a novel”, Google gives nearly 800 million. It’s probably not feasible to read all those before dinnertime.

But fear not, because I have the only advice you need to write the masterpiece that’s fermenting in your head and bubbling out your ears.