I accomplished a few things by the time I turned 30, but it turns out they were the wrong things. Here’s what I should have done instead.
Recently I saw a tweet by @obviousplant_ listing 20 things to do before you turn 30. Some of the items were great. “Release the kraken” was my favourite.
I decided to write my own list, and this is it.
In the interests of full disclosure, I should say that all the things I will achieve by the time I’m 30 I’ve already done.
There are some, honest.
I’ve finished a first draft of a novel that’s over 200k words.
I’ve finished a second draft of a novel that’s over 150k words. I’ve finished a third… Never mind.
I’ve learned to drink coffee (a little too well).
I’ve graduated. Twice.
I’ve fallen off a horse and been dragged behind it with my foot stuck in the stirrup.
I’ve jumped off a high diving board. Just kidding. I would never do that.
I’ve held a million dollars. (It was heavy and I didn’t get to keep it.)
I’ve had the same bright idea as a Nobel Laureate 30 minutes before he had it (and explained it so badly that he didn’t realise we were saying the same thing).
As you can see, I’ve done some stuff, but it turns out I’ve been doing the wrong things. Here are the ten things I should have done by age 30.
Learned to change the filter in the vacuum. I have a vague concept the vacuum has a filter, and the fact I haven’t changed it might explain why the vacuum doesn’t work as well as it used to.
Figured out a system for dealing with clothes I take off that aren’t clean enough to put back in the wardrobe, but aren’t dirty enough to need washing. Unfortunately, I don’t think a pile on the floor counts as a system.
Taught His Royal Fluffiness not to bite me. Who am I kidding? I should have taken to habitually wearing armour on my arms and legs.
Staked a vampire. Because everyone should do that at least once, right?
Learned the name of at least one song I like. You’d think this would be easy, but I only like songs because I’ve heard them played somewhere, and the words to the chorus aren’t always the name of the song. Quite inconsiderate, that.
Learned to explain to hairdressers what I want. Does anyone know why this is so hard? “Shorter” doesn’t seem to cover it these days.
Learned to dance. Kidding. I don’t want to be able to dance.
Taught the chickens not to sunbathe leaning against the front door. I mean, what’s so special about the front doorstep? Apart from the fact it is (now) covered in chicken poo.
Achieved world domination. Someone has to rule the world, and it seems as if pretty much anyone can do it these days. I don’t see why it shouldn’t be me.
Fortunately it’s never too late for world domination, so I’ll be making a bid shortly. If you’d like a place on my world domination team, please apply below.
What weird or random stuff have you done? What should you have done?
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